crossXroads

Back from the vacation of my dreams I sit here at my desk and wonder where do I go from here. I believe I did the same thing after I graduated from the BA program... I wondered and wished and pondered and pretended that I knew what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. But truth is, I don't. I don't have a clue what I want and need in life right now.

I have spent my 20s raising other peoples teenagers. I didn't go to bars, clubs, parties. I was too busy with school and work and being responsible for other peoples lives. Soon, that job is ending. Soon I will no longer have school and night time shifts, but only a simple day time job. I will finally at 27 be an adult with adult time. But I am not sure if I am happy about this or not.

I am losing my identity of being a student, of being a front line worker, of working 2 jobs, of who I have been for the last 7 years. And in a weird, strange way, I like it. I like knowing there will be no more calls to the police, no more pick up and drop offs, no more sleepless nights or stressful events. I will be able to go home every single night. Life will start to look normal.

Than I feel the tug.. that slight pull from inside that says my life was not meant to be normal, but exceptional and the kids I work with have made it exceptional. On top of the tug, I hear the knock of opportunity. The ability to continue to work front line with the youth and eliminate the day job.

Than I feel the tear... the rip between wanting to keep my identity and move on to a different life. I would love to continue to work in the homes and work with the youth and run groups and programs and be who I have been for a long time. But there, just there, is a glimmer of what my life could be like with free weekends, free time and no worry of kids.

So, where do I go from here?