Missing the Messiah

Another sleepless night, which is really nothing new. Reading passes the time but TV eases the mind when my eyes are too blurry to read. So there I was, watching waiting to be entertained. Im watching this show, a street magician. Iv seen it a hundred times. He makes things disappear, levitate, reads people minds. Sure it amazing, I couldn’t do it and I bet 99 % of the people who are on MYSpace couldn’t do it either. Then it clicked.

We worship the wrong people. Now please don’t think I am an expert on religion of any type and these are only my opinions and views. I have heard for years now that the messiah is coming. He will come to earth and rid all the bad people and things and blah blah blah. He could take the form of any one of the major religions and I could care less. But people believe this entity is coming.

People also worship the pope, who is named after an egg and could have less spirituality in his pinky finger, but it wouldn’t matter cuz he is the pope. But he was elected pope. He wasn’t created pope or named pope he was appointed by people who have power not godliness. So why worship him? There is no way he is the messiah because he drives around with bullet proof glass around him. If he was the messiah he wouldn’t be scared.

So lets just say for the sake of argument, Jesus is coming back to earth (or any entity but Jesus is the first one that came to me so I am going to run with it). He would be able to do lots of cool things, after all he is the son of god right??

He would be able to levitate, make objects come and go at his will, read peoples minds, create images of people he has never met, withstand weather, physical challenges, and do things with confidence that no other being would dare to do because of the danger and likelihood of not accomplishing it. But Jesus could do it if he wanted to… and so can some typical people walking the streets.

So no I am not calling magicians Jesus or any other messiah. All I am saying is that we worship people who have been appointed to power. We worship people because we are told to. We worship statues and ideas and words in a book yet the little people, the people who are extraordinary are over looked.

It boggles me that society has been so stupid. Yet again, it doesn’t surprise me at all. What does get me going is why has this been over looked? (yes I know I am not the first person to see things this way). Are we so stupid to miss the sings of a major religious figure walking among us? Do we not give credit where credit is due? Are we too blinded by our own bubble in what and who to believe in that we have missed the signs of a true entity entering our world? If we have, god must be pissed.

the things that rule my life

So early this morning I work up with so much energy I was going nuts. After a quick chat on line and watering the plants I thought I would pack for work this weekend. The first thing I always pack is my personal products. Shampoo conditioner, makeup, ect. Well I was packing my makeup and I started to realize how much I have. So I thought I would organize it and throw away some stuff maybe give some stuff to the kids.

I have three cases of makeup, and I just remembered about another drawer that has some stashed away in it too… So here is the tally…

8 tubes of mascara and one unopened one. All different colours blue, purple, plum, black, dark brown, brown… well you get the point.

7 different eyeliners one to go with each of the mascaras

5 different types of foundation/cover up

3 different types of powder… no make that four I have one in my purse

12 palates of eye shadow making a total of 40 different colours

8 things of nail polish.. I was rater I disappointed I didn’t have more…

5 things of blush

10 different type of lip stuff.. half that are in my purse for some odd reason.

8 different types of perfume

at least a dozen types of makeup brushes and same for hair brushes

So there is the list. I decided to throw away some stuff that is old and unused and reorganize in to these little baskets I got. It didn’t take me long to realize I had WAY too much stuff. So I made a deal with myself if it is old or ugly or never been used OUT IT GOES!

I threw away one tube of the brightest and ugliest shade of red lipstick from Mac that even Ronald McDonald wouldn’t use.

3 tubes of mascara that where old and dried up

some tubes of foundation that where used up or very close to it

two things of eyeliner that where ugly as hell and I don’t even remember where I got them from.
And the list goes on… well not really.. that’s it..

So now I look at my nice organized makeup counter and think I have done well, I have de-cluttered and I wont need anymore makeup for another year! I am so controlled by the stuff maybe I will just stop wearing it and be a liberated woman… I will start to show nothing but my inner beauty and be proud that I have blonde eyelashes and bags under my eyes. I acquired those bags through hard work and dedication to school and work! And… DING there goes my email to tell me there is a makeup sale coming up in a week. And guess what, I am going.


*note the above list is totaled AFTER I threw things away… so yeah its pretty bad.

Jea-lousy

My feelings on jealousy have recently changed. I used to believe I was a jealous person, even when these feelings where not provoked, but yet it was just in my nature. I have come to realized that although this may be true, I do exhibit great control over these feelings until they are aggravated.
This led me to another thought, why it is so important for people to make others jealous? Is the thought of power or control that is enticing? Or maybe the sudden urge to be appreciated by another. For example, we often make our partner jealous but flirting or commenting about other attractive or enticing people. Using lines that express how other people might find you desirable or sexy. This tactic is nothing new. Letting your partner know you have other options is old news, yet it still stirs up these crazy emotions. No one ever wants to let go of what they have, especially if another person wants it too.
Now a partner that feels neglected or unappreciated may use this ploy to get some attention and gratitude. But isnt there an easier way?

I dont find it attractive when I am presented with people who describe to me all the women that want to have sex with them. It makes the women look like whores and the men look insecure.
It makes me angry to think that someone can subject me to these feelings that are so lousy and hack away a small part of my self esteem with the threat of another women, sorry.. whore.

So to all of you who believe that by making yourself desirable though these tactics of immaturity, get a life. At first it might sting, but in the end you are the one doing the damage. People will realized they have been used, manipulated and will not tolerate it.

Instead tell the person how you are feeling. Demand respect, understanding and communication. And dont try to threaten me with the prospect of leaving or finding someone better. Your threats are empty, and I am better then that.

memories

So with the school year at its end and work hitting a plateau I find myself thinking a lot. Not of things to do or papers I wish I could have dont better on, but of the past. Every once in a while a memory jumps into my mind. Some make me smile other make me wonder.. and of course there are quite a few that make me cringe. I thought that I would share a few that have been haunting my mind and see if getting them out in the open would make them disappear.

I remember walking down the street to see my best friend crying my eyes out after I got a terrible haircut I think I was about 15. I walked in to her house and all she could do was laugh, which made me laugh. Then she told me I was beautiful no matter what. I miss her.

The Halloween my rat died and my little bro blurted it out over the phone while I was still at a friends house.

The first time I got to walk the hallways of my school holding hands with a guy I truly liked and how special I felt.

The day I got my picture taken with my brand new bike. I was on a neighbors driveway and she was so proud because I bought it myself.

The day I left for New York to go on this crazy adventure. I remember the excitement of leaving my parents and walking down the gate and realizing how self sufficient I had to be from that point on because they where not there.

The morning my lil bro was taken to the hospital when he was just a year old. I remember the phone call and I remember crying like mad. How could one person love someone so much I kept thinking. Then I realized it didnt matter.

The day I drew on the wall close to the stairs and lied about it. Then tried to cover it up with yellow crayon and a piece of paper towel. Needless to say I go caught.

The first time someone told me I was beautiful and smart and fun and didnt want anything in return.

Its amazing what happens to your mind when you have time to think. I believe that everyone should take a bit more time to just remember the good and bad and the lessons that came with it.

Revlon Sale

So yesterday I went to a Revlon sale.

Thats right ladies Revlon sale at Pickering flea market until the 14th!!!

Ok back to the story
I went to the Revlon sale, dragging my poor ex bf behind me.. long story on that one.

Ok Revlon sale.. right..

So I walk in and WOW its packed! Women all lined up around tables and boxes and aisles kinda pushing but not really. Eyeing the other women who picked up a certain colour of eye shadow and giving them the if thats the last one I will fight you for it kinda look.

It was MAD! And to boot there was also jean machine there and had jeans on sale for 20 bucks I think.. but I didnt make it that far.

I had no intention on buying a lot. Just trying to see if there was products I could use and get them for cheep as I am so dead broke its not even funny. So walking around these tables being kinda pushed forward by a gaggle of women I see nice nail polish. Yes I can justify nail polish as summer is commin up and I like my nails to look nice. So I get a few

Next Aisle

Mascara and Eye Shadow

Well I dont really need any because I cashed in my Shoppers points and stocked up when they where having their sale.. but ohhh plum mascara Iv always wanted to try that colour.. and it comes with a FREE eyeliner.. well I mean it is only 5 bucks.. and the eyeliner is free.. ok gotta get it..

Next Aisle

Lipsticks and glosses

Now I KNOW I dont need any of these.. oh but this is so pretty and it smells yummy and its nice a sheer and not too sticky. Oh iv always wanted to try a stay on lip colour OK ill just get one.. ok two..

Next Aisle

Foundation and powder

Now I KNOW I need foundation cuz mine is almost out. Ohh look.. just right for summer with a bit of shimmer.. no LOOK golden powder since I can wear bronzer.. OK well its a good investment you know.. powder does last a long time and I need foundation ok.. just one bottle.

Back to the Eye shadow..

You know this goes for like 18 buck in the stores and here its only 10.. and look at all the pretty colours. Ok ill get it..

So as you can tell I went over and over the aisles picking up more and more stuff.. Then it hit me. If ANYONE knows how I shop this will come as no big surprise. I put it all back.
ALL of it. I started to get all panicked.. I dont NEED it you know.. make up yeah I like it but common I have MORE then enough of it. I dont need plum mascara or a free eyeliner or golden shimmer power or new nail colours.. I cant spend that much money this is mad.. So I walked out all the way back to the flea market.

But I want it!! SO BAD.. so I went back to the Revlon sale to try and retrieve the items I had tossed away. And I found most of them, and chiseled down my wants a bit.. Then I did it again.. put it all back and walked out of the door..
You guessed it 10 mins later I was back again and managed to get a few items back.. Then I took a good look at poor, patient Sean. What a nice guy, doesnt say anything.. lets me have my moments and although he doesnt quite understand he does put up with it without a word of complaint.

So after a few mins of contemplating I got in line to check out. Well this is the worst of it all. Having to stand there with nothing to do but wait. So my mind starts to work over time trying to validate all the stuff I am buying. Just as I am about to crack and drop it all and run away for good I make it to the cash and am saved. I make my purchase and walk away happy and tired.

I am not a Trophy

Ok so I have been getting a lot of emails lately with guys wanted to add me to their space. I then click on their profile and long behold they have nothing but half naked sexual spread of women as their “friend”. Although I find this kind of offensive as a woman, I know it is typical of the internet to find perverts and sexual freaks. I am on the internet therefore I understand and take that risk. But here is the thing. I am not a sexual object. I do not want to be part of your collection. You are part of the reason why women a still making a lower income, are still sexually harassed, and dominated around the world. You are part of the problem. (Now for all the guys who are going to scream at me, please notice that I said PART.. women need to take SOME responsibility)

Now I could get in to why some women act like sexual object for attention because that is all they know because that is what we have been objectified as by the world and the media but I wont… it would take far too long. So, I will only stand up for my self and say this....

I am not a TROPHY. If you are one of these guys that has nothing but sexy looking girls on your profile, and it is your mission to have a collection of the 700 hottest girls, please go play in heavy traffic, jump off a bridge in to some ice cold water and drowned yourself.

If your message contains the words “your hot, sexy, gorgeous, beautiful and I want you” please don’t waste your time as I refuse to be a part of your collection of half naked women that you post to improve your poor self image and low self esteem.

I have a brain, I like to read, I like love my job and I go to school. If all you see if boobs and blonde hair and can not read in to the finer details of a person go find someone else that wants to be sexually objectified, because I am not it.

The Crashing End

So I knew it was over. Sean and I have been together for 6 years, since we where 17. We met in a college program in a kitchen learning the basics of cooking and after one date we where crazy for each other.

Over time we have grown in to adults. Going to college together. That’s when I saw warning signs. He was interested in other girls, and in some ways he did act upon that interest. But I forgave him, rebuilt that trust and moved on.

Second year of college it happened again. Same thing.. I forgave him rebuilt the trust and moved on.

In January 2006 I found out that he had been seeing this waitress at the restaurant where he works as a cook. They where caught making out one night. Both had been drinking but Sean claims he wasn’t drunk.

It was rough month but I was convinced that we could make it through it. I set boundaries not letting myself be pushed over. No sex, no kissing. Slowly I found out more times he lied to me and sure it hurt, but my love was stronger.. much stronger.

So now its april, and we have been rebuilding things slowly. Its taken time but Im starting to trust him again, love him again, and prepare for a different type of relationship.

There was talk of a trip to France which I was invited on. I was then uninvited, by his parents in not so many words. That is a WHOLE new posting. His parents don’t like me.. I wonder why.

I told Sean that he should wait and we will travel together like it was always our dream. I told him if he leaves for a few weeks to travel Europe I wont wait and I will be under the impression he is no longer interested in this relationship. He booked the tickets yesterday.

So now I feel used. I feel defeated and deflated. I packed up all his stuff and told him to come and get it tomorrow morning. All he did was say OK.