Not so nice...

I am always the first one in the office. I unlock the door, turn off the alarm turn on the coffee pot sort the faxes check the messages. Most of this, not my job. However, I don't mind doing it as I am almost ALWAYS 15 mins early. Its a gift :-)

One morning I came in and did my daily routine of unlocking, checking and sorting. Checking includes checking emails that came in over the weekend and of course, my facebook. Here I am at my desk checking out my emails and two co-workers come in chatting, well more like whispering. Typically they say "HI!" and continue with their conversations, which I am fine with. However this morning I was ignored. My two co-workers continued with their conversation like I was not even there, however it turned into a whisper. Into a hush hush talk which lasted about 40 minutes.

There they sat talking, whispering ect with my just in the next office, not saying a word. I felt rather pissed that they did not say morning, hello, or made a noise my way. Why I didn't say something to them, I am not sure. After the 40 minute convo they ask why I am so quiet. Well I said I didn't want to interrupt their obvious private and important conversation. To that the one replied, sorry my head is elsewhere right now and I didn't know you were here. ARE YOU KIDDING? Who would turn on the lights, the coffee pot, check the messages, sort the faxes? Sheesh! I could have been choking or dead on the floor and they would not have known for 40 mins.

I don't know why this made me so angry, but it did. I now find out that my co-worker does have some pretty serious stuff going on, however does that negate the use of manners? Perhaps I should just let it go, but for some reason I can't. I feel that although there is crap going on in EVERYONES lives its still important to be kind and polite, although it may be difficult. Whisper if you must but at least check to make sure I am still breathing.

Nice people....

So here I was, driving as fast as I could without getting a ticket to present my final paper for my Masters. I was running a little behind, and traffic was slow. I finally get to the school and look for parking. I am parked ALL THE WAY in the back, no big deal right? I am wearing 3 inch heals and running to the parking meeter. The meeter looks rather funny, like something is wrong. I should have kept walking to the other one, however being the curious person I needed to see that it was out of order. The next meeter was ALL THE WAY down the lot. Looking at the time i decided it was time to toss the heal and run barefoot to the next meeter. Yes, barefoot in a parking lot in the middle of the city. Judge me if you must but I was panicking.
Arriving at the finally working meeter I insert my visa and was told that the meeter could not read my ( new chip) card. F***! Looking at my watch, I am now 5 minutes late for what might be the most important presentation yet. My cell phone is ringing with my professor wanting to know A) where I am and B) what room she needs to go to. Trying to run and explain the situation and find enough change to park is making me sweat, a lot. Like dripping foundation and frizzy hair. From out in the distance I hear "Excuse me!!"... There was the voice of an angel, my angel.. a young woman who was leaving and offered me her parking pass. I took it said a quick thanks and RAN TO MY CAR.

I didn't get to thank her enough. I didn't get to tell her how her act of kindness saved me. I didn't get to say properly how much in this day and age I appreciated what she did, even if it was a small act. So...

To the wonderful, kind lady who gave me her parking pass on Friday April 16 at 10:30 am at Centennial College, Progress Campus, Thank you. Thank you Thank you. I am sorry I ran off with it so quickly, I am sorry that I didn't stop to thank you more. I will forever be grateful for what you did. And after I left, I put the pass in the slot of a machine hoping that someone will find it and use it. Pay it forward baby.

So there are still nice people out there. I encountered one of them, and I hope that I will get to BE ONE OF THEM.

By the way, I did my presentation and pass... with an A+. I now have an MA.

Unsupportive me

Seriously, my life revolves being supportive to people ALL THE TIME. I knew that this job would be a lot of YOU and less ME. I am ok with that. Most times I enjoy being the supportive, caring, positive view person. However the last few weeks I have been having a difficult time being supportive of my friends and family. I scream in my head, SUCK IT UP. Or even better, QUIT YOUR BITCHING AND BE POSITIVE. I know, I'm a terrible person and I am not perfect. I have had an easy-ish life and don't know true hardships. I can agree to that. But this problem goes beyond my just screaming in my head. I am now just not paying attention when people come to talk to me. Especially if it is an ongoing issue that I may have been supportive of many, many times. I just can't seem to lift my eyes away from the computer or book long enough to say "poor you". I am turning into my mother-in-law.

Perhaps I need a support break. A time where there are no worries and no concerns and I can become re-supportive. Maybe now that I am done school and feel bored at my job my supportive time has run out and its time to relocate. Or maybe I am just turning into a stone cold bitch.

Confessions of the 20something...job(s)

OK... my jobs. Let say, I love them for the most part. My day time job allows me to pay the bills and still keep my mind working in the field in which I chose. My night time job allows me to do what I love to do and do it when I want. I get to have fun with the girls, i get to bake and cook and counsel them. I get to hang out with cats and dog and do my homework. I love it.
But soon, that second part of my life, the part that has been around for almost 7 years is going to come to an end. The house will be sold, the kids will move on and I will be back to ONE job... ONE. the number that I so dispise. ONE.

I am also going to graduate this year. Yup, graduate with a MA. it will be ONE less thing for me to do. So every day, my life will be the same, get up, goto work, and come home...... yuck.
Now i know that for some people, this is great. not having any kids, any thing to do. I am pretty much put my feet up and watch TV, cook dinner and enjoy my evening sipping red wine... Yeah ok. Not going to happen. I hate being home and bored all the time. I hate not having any thing to do. So here I am, on my mission to fill inthe blanks when my job ends and the kids move on.

So I bought a camera. Yup, a fancy camera with all the bells and whistles. I DO know how to use it. Yes I do. I remember from high school and know what fStop and Apature mean. I am no camera dummy. But how is a CAMERA going to keep me busy? I have no clue yet since all I have done it take about 85 thousand pictures of my cats. (AKA the fur babies).

So here I am. dreaming of another perfect job. One that I can do a few times a month, one that I will have fun with, that I can still enjoy and that wont pay the bills but will help fill the void of having only one job. (there is that number again). Any suggestions?

I have a friend...

Yup, its that kind of post.

I know that we have all used the saying "I have a friend", "my friend did/said/can/will" the problem with this is that my friend wont.

Have you ever had the type of friend that follows you throughout life? You were in all the same grades, all the same photos, could remember each others childhoods like yesterday and know that no matter what or where you would love each other till the end of time? Well I do/did have a friend like this.

There is something you need to understand before i continue this post. I have no natural sisters or brothers. I am a lone child with siblings that have been adopted by love into the family. This can be lonley at times, therefore I have always reached for that friend as my sister. The one I thought I would share everything with, even into our adult lives.

Of course life does not work out the way we want it to and relationships as well as people change. Eventualy we drifted apart not talking as often, not seeing each other for our late night drives around the city like we did in our teen years. I feel bad that things have broken down between us and that now we only see each other a few times a year. However, I am also sick of being the only one to make the plans.

So i ask, have you ever had a friend like this? You know the one, when you make all the phone calls, all the contacts, all the plans, all the time??

I do and slowly, very slowly I am becomming sick of it. I am sick of making plans only to be exctied and happy I am seeing my friend, then to be ditched the last minute. I am tired of finding out things last or not at all because no one thought to share the good news with me. I am starting to feel that this is no longer a friendship but a long string of disapointment and lost hope.

So when do you say, enough is enough? When do you throw in the towel to the whole relationship and just say "fuck it" we have grown to far apart? I think today is the day.

older post...need and want

Please note: this is my view on marriage and my relationship. Many will and do not share this view and thats ok. Please do not take this personal b/c if you do you may find it offensive. If you take offense it is because you took it personally when you shouldnt have b/c it is not about you.

to sean for making me want, every day and forever



Need and Want.
Over the last year or so, we have been asked several times when it will be our turn to “tie the knot”. Although I had made a posting about this once before, I recently had an insight that is causing me to re-post about this topic.

Lying in bed I started to ponder the difference between co-habitation and legal marriage. I slowly came to the realization that it is the difference of need and want.

I can love you every day because I want to, not because I made a promise or a vow. Not because people witness my feelings or that we have joined families. Not because I am expected to by friends and family. I love you because every day when I wake up I want to love you.

We are joined with nothing more than the desire to be together. The will to continue our relationship every day, to grow, learn, laugh and continue our friendship not because we have a contract, a legal commitment or a religious promise. We do this every day because we choose to, we want to.
The need in this relationship is none because we have created it this way. We have had the ability to shape our lives outside the box of defined marriage. We have gone beyond the vows and promises of typical couples and created something that is unique to us, something that can no longer be defined by a ceremony or a title. We have met our needs by creating a desire much greater then expectations of others and institution. We have created an everyday want.

Every day I wake up and know who I am, not because I am defined by you but because I define myself. The ability to become who I want to be without feeling compelled that I have to complete you, be your other half. You have created in me a want to be your partner without asking me for promise, contract or continuous validation. I want to be with you.

I know that without you I will still be a complete person. I know that we are both strong enough to do it on our own without partnership without each other but that is not what we want. We know that we don’t need each other. We know that without each other life will continue we will remain a person with the same abilities and personal strengths we have always had, but we want to be together.

In the hierarchy of needs love is listed as the third need in the triangle. This is a need that all human must have to survive there is no disagreeing with that. It can be fulfilled by friends, lovers, parents, mentors ect. I have chosen to fill it with you. I have decided to go beyond just filling the need of love and marriage and have created a desire to be with you forever without the pressure of making it work. I want to love you, want to be with you and have never felt this perpetuating cycle for validation and commitment is necessary in my life. I have never felt this need and will never feel it because you meet it without me even asking. Without expectation, promise, paper and jewellery. You meet my need because you want to, as I do yours.

We have created a life that if one day we don’t want to love each other anymore it will be ok. We have created separate identities, lives and spirits that know how to live apart as well as together. To me that is the ultimate gift. This want must be engaged and driven; it must be intrigued and worked on. It must also be the will of both without any other underlying causes, without any promises contracts and obligations. This is what makes us strong. This is what makes us want each other. This is what makes us partners, an equal share of a common interest, us.

Confessions of the 20something...happiness

Ok call me odd and crazy, or lucky and blessed. Depends on how you look at things.

For almost 10 years I have been with the same guy (with a brief interlude at the 6 year mark). Yup that right if you worked it out then you can see I was still a teenager when all this happened. I have not regrets on the issue, i love him and where our life has gone. I have never had to worry about dating, sex on the first date, walking around with spinach in my teeth or be attractive and desirable 24/7 just in case i stumble upon Mr. Right.

Things progressed naturally, living together, buying a home, fixing up the home, traveling, working ect. Now we are adults living adult lives and acting rather adultish. but often i find myself looking up at the stars and thinking "is this it?" Is this what I was always so in a rush as a teen to do? To sleep with someone every night only to wake up to their thrudrous farts or tugging of the blankets. you have got to be kidding......nope they are not.

This does not mean that I am unhappy, I am quite happy with where I am in life and plan to make no drastic changes any time soon however I find myself wondering what is beyond this "Adultness".

Marrige, ok ok. I can hear you all shouting it from the hilltops. We have talk about it, its not for us. we have decided that things are great the way they are and what would a peice of paper do other then put us in debt??

kids...i dont think so. Not ready for the 18 years of commitment.

Is it possible that our whole lives we are not raised to be happy but content?

I am trying to find my place in this life between adventure, pradictability and happiness. Between commitment, dreams, and responcability. I dont think such a place exsists outside of content.

Is it possible to forget what happy feels like as you have been so blinded by being content that it is mistaken for happy?

I fill my life with books and school and think that being successful will bring happiness. That learning is the key to everything. It's not, just in case you are wondering.

Confessions of the 20something....

There are some people in this world that drive me crazy. Drive me up the wall, around the corner and to the end of the Earth!!

The people who are bad with money, have little of it, and continue to spend it on crap then bitch they are broke. My simple soloution. DONT SPEND IT! Dont buy shit you dont need. Don't buy niknaks and other peices of crap that after you are finished going "awww" over you wont care about any more. Don't go to the spa because you need to relax then stress about having no money!

I have a phrase that will cure all your money woes. Get a job. Or get a better job. Or just slit your wrists while you still have enough money to buy a knife. What ever works.

yes yes, i know. I am insensitive to the people who live in poverty, who never had the oppertunity to go to school and get an education, to the people who have been traumatized and beaten down by our shitty society. This post it NOT for theos people. This post is for the people who have an education yet refuse to use it. Who had the abilities however are just to lazy. Who spend their money stupidly then expect all of us to sit around and listen to their bellyaching.

You drive me NUTS!

Protests, Skinheads, and Human Kindness

Its been a while.. I wont deny it. Lots has gone on, here are a few short blurps about some major stuff.

Driving to Markham fair with Sean we pass these protesters on the street. they are holding signs that say "Abotion Kills Kids". Yup, right there in your face like a big fat smack accross the cheek. I think my jaw hit the floor and my blood pressure sky rocketed. In a matter of seconds I was engolfed in rage.
Yes, I did wind down the window. Yes I did start to yell back.
"What gives you the right to make women driving down this public road to feel bad about themselves?"
"your ignorant and have nothing better to do then push your beliefes on others"
"Get a job and get a life"
"How dare you try to take away my rights as a woman, the right my mother and grandmother faught for"

I was ready to get our of the car. Sean wouldnt let me. As we are pulling away we notice a mother and her young daughters at the protest. The mother is holding a sign, the daughters are playing by the side of the road. Sean says "Someone should tell that woman letting kids play by the side of the road kills kids" I begged Sean to turn the car around.

So i have a Myspace account. I think most of the world does these days. I get lots of emails saying "Hi beautiful, Your sexy" or "Add me baby!"... hmmm no thanks Ill wait for the more intellegent people to find me.
So i get this email from this guy. He says i seem out spoken and smart. Hey you want to call me smart I will read your email!
He says he is interested in my oppionion on people like him. So i click on his profile... More or less, he is a skin head. He doesnt believe that people should "mix" and believes that white people should rule the world.. WELL THEN. i should have said more then i did, but i didnt feel like picking an on-line fight. He boasted about how smart his people are with high IQs and lots of education. WOOHOO i thought. I told him to use his powers for good not evil. Pretty sad there is still people out there.

I got a car. UNHUH thats right.. a freakin CAR! So its a bit older. a 97 but hey its a car. Notice how i didnt say anything about it running? Well thats because after the new plates where put on it, it wouldnt start. And it wouldnt start the morning after that either. And yesterday it almost didnt start again. this is not to say that it hasn't started because it had. And I have driven it lots. It just doesnt start every time.

So the morning it didnt start I had a HUGE meeting in Pickering. It didnt start, I thought I was going to cry. Here I am in my Neighbours driveway with the hood up just sitting there. NO one was comming to help me. I dont know any of the neighbours. So im going to sit here and well.. do ntohing I guess. A man walks by with his 2 kids. Asks me if Im ok. Yeah Im fine but my car wont start. he goes, gets his car and gets mine to start! I couldnt believe it. I total stranger. I was so happy. So thanks total stranger! and good Karma on you!

well there is the update more or less. I still dont think i like driving that much. I miss the TTC. Class sucks, but that is a whole other post.

Random

There used to be this shop by my house. It was more of an old lady shop but I could always find just the right little black dress for every occasion. A few years ago it closed down.. I have never been able to find another store that had a dress that fit me so well since.

I love to cook. Some times too much. When I start to cook its like something takes over and all of the sudden I have all this food and I don't want to eat any of it. So I have made a pie, Pad Thai, 2 lasagnas, roasted a squash, and am just about to make more pie…. Sad huh?

Sometimes when I walk by my self I hum…

Im starting to realize that all the friends I used to have I cant relate to any more. This whole full time working family partner kids house thing.. it sucks but makes a lot more room to meet new people and appreciate the people I still can be my self with.

I secretly wish I was a cashier… I would love to play with the scan gun all day long. When I am at Dominion, I will wait all day just as long as I can use the self check out.. just so I can pretend.

I want a car so bad yet I am so afraid to drive. My hands get all sweaty and I get scared I will hit someone or an animal or something… cant I just learn how to fly? There is no traffic in the air.

I make "to do" lists at least once a week. If my Wednesday I haven't done all of it, I start to loose sleep and get all stressed until its done.

I could eat leftovers for ever and ever.

I like it when guys hold open doors for me… I think it is sweet

I leave garbage everywhere.. Even if I DID have a trash can in my room it would still be littered with tags from clothes pieces of paper and water bottles everywhere. Im just a slob..

Did I mention my cooking obsession?

Materialistic people drive me nuts… just be freaking happy will ya?

If I could start all over again I would be an interior decorator…

I like to do lots of stuff like paint… I like painting so much I always end up covered in it. And happy about it.

I wish I could dance… and dance well.
I like to stare at pretty and interesting objects. Sometimes I will just stand there and look at something for a long time, even in a busy street and people have to walk around me. To bad the saying isn't "stop and smell the roses in the middle of a crowed down town street in front of a subway entrance" cuz then it would apply to me.

Random should be my middle name.. maybe even hyphenated with blonde.

Fries and salad are my favorite foods.

I like black olives to much better then green, but cant understand why they are more expensive.

Sometimes where I dream, its from a view of an ant and others it a view from a bird.. Sometimes there is no sound.

My cat snores and I do too.

the accommodator

So here I am again,
Listening to your problems
Waiting on your choices
Working around your schedules

Just call me the accommodator.

I am the powerless and controlled
By other peoples choices
By other peoples experiences
By other peoples feelings

I have to follow other people’s schedules of
When they want to talk
When they want to meet
When they want to work

I have no say in the matter yet
I listen
I empathize
I adapt

I am supposed to change according to your will
That is my job
That is my role
That is my place

There is no denying that I am the
Used
Abused
Dismissed

I am powerless
Over you
Over your choices
Over your views

I am affected yet
It is not seen
It is not acknowledged
It is not spoken

And when it is, it’s turned
Back to you
Away from me
Back to you

So I smile and nod
That is fine
It’s alright
I can wait

Because I am the accommodator

Missing the Messiah

Another sleepless night, which is really nothing new. Reading passes the time but TV eases the mind when my eyes are too blurry to read. So there I was, watching waiting to be entertained. Im watching this show, a street magician. Iv seen it a hundred times. He makes things disappear, levitate, reads people minds. Sure it amazing, I couldn’t do it and I bet 99 % of the people who are on MYSpace couldn’t do it either. Then it clicked.

We worship the wrong people. Now please don’t think I am an expert on religion of any type and these are only my opinions and views. I have heard for years now that the messiah is coming. He will come to earth and rid all the bad people and things and blah blah blah. He could take the form of any one of the major religions and I could care less. But people believe this entity is coming.

People also worship the pope, who is named after an egg and could have less spirituality in his pinky finger, but it wouldn’t matter cuz he is the pope. But he was elected pope. He wasn’t created pope or named pope he was appointed by people who have power not godliness. So why worship him? There is no way he is the messiah because he drives around with bullet proof glass around him. If he was the messiah he wouldn’t be scared.

So lets just say for the sake of argument, Jesus is coming back to earth (or any entity but Jesus is the first one that came to me so I am going to run with it). He would be able to do lots of cool things, after all he is the son of god right??

He would be able to levitate, make objects come and go at his will, read peoples minds, create images of people he has never met, withstand weather, physical challenges, and do things with confidence that no other being would dare to do because of the danger and likelihood of not accomplishing it. But Jesus could do it if he wanted to… and so can some typical people walking the streets.

So no I am not calling magicians Jesus or any other messiah. All I am saying is that we worship people who have been appointed to power. We worship people because we are told to. We worship statues and ideas and words in a book yet the little people, the people who are extraordinary are over looked.

It boggles me that society has been so stupid. Yet again, it doesn’t surprise me at all. What does get me going is why has this been over looked? (yes I know I am not the first person to see things this way). Are we so stupid to miss the sings of a major religious figure walking among us? Do we not give credit where credit is due? Are we too blinded by our own bubble in what and who to believe in that we have missed the signs of a true entity entering our world? If we have, god must be pissed.

the things that rule my life

So early this morning I work up with so much energy I was going nuts. After a quick chat on line and watering the plants I thought I would pack for work this weekend. The first thing I always pack is my personal products. Shampoo conditioner, makeup, ect. Well I was packing my makeup and I started to realize how much I have. So I thought I would organize it and throw away some stuff maybe give some stuff to the kids.

I have three cases of makeup, and I just remembered about another drawer that has some stashed away in it too… So here is the tally…

8 tubes of mascara and one unopened one. All different colours blue, purple, plum, black, dark brown, brown… well you get the point.

7 different eyeliners one to go with each of the mascaras

5 different types of foundation/cover up

3 different types of powder… no make that four I have one in my purse

12 palates of eye shadow making a total of 40 different colours

8 things of nail polish.. I was rater I disappointed I didn’t have more…

5 things of blush

10 different type of lip stuff.. half that are in my purse for some odd reason.

8 different types of perfume

at least a dozen types of makeup brushes and same for hair brushes

So there is the list. I decided to throw away some stuff that is old and unused and reorganize in to these little baskets I got. It didn’t take me long to realize I had WAY too much stuff. So I made a deal with myself if it is old or ugly or never been used OUT IT GOES!

I threw away one tube of the brightest and ugliest shade of red lipstick from Mac that even Ronald McDonald wouldn’t use.

3 tubes of mascara that where old and dried up

some tubes of foundation that where used up or very close to it

two things of eyeliner that where ugly as hell and I don’t even remember where I got them from.
And the list goes on… well not really.. that’s it..

So now I look at my nice organized makeup counter and think I have done well, I have de-cluttered and I wont need anymore makeup for another year! I am so controlled by the stuff maybe I will just stop wearing it and be a liberated woman… I will start to show nothing but my inner beauty and be proud that I have blonde eyelashes and bags under my eyes. I acquired those bags through hard work and dedication to school and work! And… DING there goes my email to tell me there is a makeup sale coming up in a week. And guess what, I am going.


*note the above list is totaled AFTER I threw things away… so yeah its pretty bad.

Jea-lousy

My feelings on jealousy have recently changed. I used to believe I was a jealous person, even when these feelings where not provoked, but yet it was just in my nature. I have come to realized that although this may be true, I do exhibit great control over these feelings until they are aggravated.
This led me to another thought, why it is so important for people to make others jealous? Is the thought of power or control that is enticing? Or maybe the sudden urge to be appreciated by another. For example, we often make our partner jealous but flirting or commenting about other attractive or enticing people. Using lines that express how other people might find you desirable or sexy. This tactic is nothing new. Letting your partner know you have other options is old news, yet it still stirs up these crazy emotions. No one ever wants to let go of what they have, especially if another person wants it too.
Now a partner that feels neglected or unappreciated may use this ploy to get some attention and gratitude. But isnt there an easier way?

I dont find it attractive when I am presented with people who describe to me all the women that want to have sex with them. It makes the women look like whores and the men look insecure.
It makes me angry to think that someone can subject me to these feelings that are so lousy and hack away a small part of my self esteem with the threat of another women, sorry.. whore.

So to all of you who believe that by making yourself desirable though these tactics of immaturity, get a life. At first it might sting, but in the end you are the one doing the damage. People will realized they have been used, manipulated and will not tolerate it.

Instead tell the person how you are feeling. Demand respect, understanding and communication. And dont try to threaten me with the prospect of leaving or finding someone better. Your threats are empty, and I am better then that.

memories

So with the school year at its end and work hitting a plateau I find myself thinking a lot. Not of things to do or papers I wish I could have dont better on, but of the past. Every once in a while a memory jumps into my mind. Some make me smile other make me wonder.. and of course there are quite a few that make me cringe. I thought that I would share a few that have been haunting my mind and see if getting them out in the open would make them disappear.

I remember walking down the street to see my best friend crying my eyes out after I got a terrible haircut I think I was about 15. I walked in to her house and all she could do was laugh, which made me laugh. Then she told me I was beautiful no matter what. I miss her.

The Halloween my rat died and my little bro blurted it out over the phone while I was still at a friends house.

The first time I got to walk the hallways of my school holding hands with a guy I truly liked and how special I felt.

The day I got my picture taken with my brand new bike. I was on a neighbors driveway and she was so proud because I bought it myself.

The day I left for New York to go on this crazy adventure. I remember the excitement of leaving my parents and walking down the gate and realizing how self sufficient I had to be from that point on because they where not there.

The morning my lil bro was taken to the hospital when he was just a year old. I remember the phone call and I remember crying like mad. How could one person love someone so much I kept thinking. Then I realized it didnt matter.

The day I drew on the wall close to the stairs and lied about it. Then tried to cover it up with yellow crayon and a piece of paper towel. Needless to say I go caught.

The first time someone told me I was beautiful and smart and fun and didnt want anything in return.

Its amazing what happens to your mind when you have time to think. I believe that everyone should take a bit more time to just remember the good and bad and the lessons that came with it.

Revlon Sale

So yesterday I went to a Revlon sale.

Thats right ladies Revlon sale at Pickering flea market until the 14th!!!

Ok back to the story
I went to the Revlon sale, dragging my poor ex bf behind me.. long story on that one.

Ok Revlon sale.. right..

So I walk in and WOW its packed! Women all lined up around tables and boxes and aisles kinda pushing but not really. Eyeing the other women who picked up a certain colour of eye shadow and giving them the if thats the last one I will fight you for it kinda look.

It was MAD! And to boot there was also jean machine there and had jeans on sale for 20 bucks I think.. but I didnt make it that far.

I had no intention on buying a lot. Just trying to see if there was products I could use and get them for cheep as I am so dead broke its not even funny. So walking around these tables being kinda pushed forward by a gaggle of women I see nice nail polish. Yes I can justify nail polish as summer is commin up and I like my nails to look nice. So I get a few

Next Aisle

Mascara and Eye Shadow

Well I dont really need any because I cashed in my Shoppers points and stocked up when they where having their sale.. but ohhh plum mascara Iv always wanted to try that colour.. and it comes with a FREE eyeliner.. well I mean it is only 5 bucks.. and the eyeliner is free.. ok gotta get it..

Next Aisle

Lipsticks and glosses

Now I KNOW I dont need any of these.. oh but this is so pretty and it smells yummy and its nice a sheer and not too sticky. Oh iv always wanted to try a stay on lip colour OK ill just get one.. ok two..

Next Aisle

Foundation and powder

Now I KNOW I need foundation cuz mine is almost out. Ohh look.. just right for summer with a bit of shimmer.. no LOOK golden powder since I can wear bronzer.. OK well its a good investment you know.. powder does last a long time and I need foundation ok.. just one bottle.

Back to the Eye shadow..

You know this goes for like 18 buck in the stores and here its only 10.. and look at all the pretty colours. Ok ill get it..

So as you can tell I went over and over the aisles picking up more and more stuff.. Then it hit me. If ANYONE knows how I shop this will come as no big surprise. I put it all back.
ALL of it. I started to get all panicked.. I dont NEED it you know.. make up yeah I like it but common I have MORE then enough of it. I dont need plum mascara or a free eyeliner or golden shimmer power or new nail colours.. I cant spend that much money this is mad.. So I walked out all the way back to the flea market.

But I want it!! SO BAD.. so I went back to the Revlon sale to try and retrieve the items I had tossed away. And I found most of them, and chiseled down my wants a bit.. Then I did it again.. put it all back and walked out of the door..
You guessed it 10 mins later I was back again and managed to get a few items back.. Then I took a good look at poor, patient Sean. What a nice guy, doesnt say anything.. lets me have my moments and although he doesnt quite understand he does put up with it without a word of complaint.

So after a few mins of contemplating I got in line to check out. Well this is the worst of it all. Having to stand there with nothing to do but wait. So my mind starts to work over time trying to validate all the stuff I am buying. Just as I am about to crack and drop it all and run away for good I make it to the cash and am saved. I make my purchase and walk away happy and tired.

I am not a Trophy

Ok so I have been getting a lot of emails lately with guys wanted to add me to their space. I then click on their profile and long behold they have nothing but half naked sexual spread of women as their “friend”. Although I find this kind of offensive as a woman, I know it is typical of the internet to find perverts and sexual freaks. I am on the internet therefore I understand and take that risk. But here is the thing. I am not a sexual object. I do not want to be part of your collection. You are part of the reason why women a still making a lower income, are still sexually harassed, and dominated around the world. You are part of the problem. (Now for all the guys who are going to scream at me, please notice that I said PART.. women need to take SOME responsibility)

Now I could get in to why some women act like sexual object for attention because that is all they know because that is what we have been objectified as by the world and the media but I wont… it would take far too long. So, I will only stand up for my self and say this....

I am not a TROPHY. If you are one of these guys that has nothing but sexy looking girls on your profile, and it is your mission to have a collection of the 700 hottest girls, please go play in heavy traffic, jump off a bridge in to some ice cold water and drowned yourself.

If your message contains the words “your hot, sexy, gorgeous, beautiful and I want you” please don’t waste your time as I refuse to be a part of your collection of half naked women that you post to improve your poor self image and low self esteem.

I have a brain, I like to read, I like love my job and I go to school. If all you see if boobs and blonde hair and can not read in to the finer details of a person go find someone else that wants to be sexually objectified, because I am not it.

The Crashing End

So I knew it was over. Sean and I have been together for 6 years, since we where 17. We met in a college program in a kitchen learning the basics of cooking and after one date we where crazy for each other.

Over time we have grown in to adults. Going to college together. That’s when I saw warning signs. He was interested in other girls, and in some ways he did act upon that interest. But I forgave him, rebuilt that trust and moved on.

Second year of college it happened again. Same thing.. I forgave him rebuilt the trust and moved on.

In January 2006 I found out that he had been seeing this waitress at the restaurant where he works as a cook. They where caught making out one night. Both had been drinking but Sean claims he wasn’t drunk.

It was rough month but I was convinced that we could make it through it. I set boundaries not letting myself be pushed over. No sex, no kissing. Slowly I found out more times he lied to me and sure it hurt, but my love was stronger.. much stronger.

So now its april, and we have been rebuilding things slowly. Its taken time but Im starting to trust him again, love him again, and prepare for a different type of relationship.

There was talk of a trip to France which I was invited on. I was then uninvited, by his parents in not so many words. That is a WHOLE new posting. His parents don’t like me.. I wonder why.

I told Sean that he should wait and we will travel together like it was always our dream. I told him if he leaves for a few weeks to travel Europe I wont wait and I will be under the impression he is no longer interested in this relationship. He booked the tickets yesterday.

So now I feel used. I feel defeated and deflated. I packed up all his stuff and told him to come and get it tomorrow morning. All he did was say OK.

Hurt.

Ok yes I am hurt. yes i am going to say this again. I AM HURT. I know i did a rather emotional posting yesterday but i dont feel i got it all out so i am going to do it again. I am hurt.

Bernice, my best friend in the whole wide world is getting married. She is 23, works at a vet office since she was 15 and went to college for a year. About a year ago she met a guy, who is 15 years older then her through her work. They dated, she let him bang her, which was her first and they fell madly in love.
I find him controling. I find that his jokes are often snide remarks of the truth. I find him to be annoying. Now i know no one will ever be good enough for her but she can go better. MUCH BETTER.
Now in January they got engaged, bought a house and set a wedding date. She didnt tell me any of this. I had seen her, talk to her and everything and not a word of it passed through her lips. I had to hear it all from a co-worker of hers yesterday.
She says she wanted to surprize me. But I am just hurt. A few months ago we where picking out names for her new dog together, and now in this huge step of her life i am no where to be found, seen or heard of. All of the sudden the small little corner of her life I was still in i am pushed out of.
I know its not all him. He is so easy to blame though. But she has to take some credit for it too.
I am hurt, I feel betrayed, lied to and I am angry with her.
If i tell her i might loose her as a friend. But if i dont I will bust up at the wedding I know I will.
I hate sitting here watching my best friend throw away her dreams for a 38 year old guy. What about her dreams to travel? Or go back to school? Or her wedding on a beach? None of it will happen now.
She has become the person she once criticized. All of our friends who have moved in with their partners after short periods of time and stayed in a dead end job she has called fools. She has said they will struggle through life and never acheive the things we talked about as youth on the hill of our high school. That the guys they are with they dont truly know because they have only been with each other a short period of time and i agreed with her. And now my best friend has become one of them. She has become my disapointment.

And the emotions pour

Ok, so i have had a lot of news today.
One, I am no longer going to Europe. I am not wanted and not going. end of story.
Two, my best friend of 20 years got engaged and bought a house with a guy who is 15 years older then i am and who i detest and didnt even tell me. I had to find out from a co-worker of hers... and this happened two months ago and i am just finding out now. I am hurt that she didnt tell me even though she said she wanted to "surprize" me.
Three I now know for sure that my relationship with my partner of 6 years is done and over with, as i should have known two months ago when we "took a break"
Four the guy i want to be with i can never be fully with because i can never, ever trust him again.
Five I still live with my parents while all my other friend are buying houses, getting married and living an adult life. I am here still in school with a part time job at 23 and feel like i am stuck.
When am i going to be an adult? What the hell is stoping me from moving out or buying a car or being in a relationship with someone my parents dont like.
Whats wrong with me and why am i so left behind?
Yes now i can hear the voices, "but you are getting a good education that will pay off in the future" yeah yeha so when all my friends are at dead end jobs i will be living the high life.. nice sure.. that great.. but when will i be an adult. and why the hell is this bothering me so much. Why do i feel like i am still a kid and watching all my freinds sail in to this new era of life. Am I that stuck that i am not moving in to adult hood? am i in crises and not able to move forward?
Ok so this is a pitty post, i recognize that. But right now I am hurt, bruised and feel like independence is beyond my reach.