Protests, Skinheads, and Human Kindness

Its been a while.. I wont deny it. Lots has gone on, here are a few short blurps about some major stuff.

Driving to Markham fair with Sean we pass these protesters on the street. they are holding signs that say "Abotion Kills Kids". Yup, right there in your face like a big fat smack accross the cheek. I think my jaw hit the floor and my blood pressure sky rocketed. In a matter of seconds I was engolfed in rage.
Yes, I did wind down the window. Yes I did start to yell back.
"What gives you the right to make women driving down this public road to feel bad about themselves?"
"your ignorant and have nothing better to do then push your beliefes on others"
"Get a job and get a life"
"How dare you try to take away my rights as a woman, the right my mother and grandmother faught for"

I was ready to get our of the car. Sean wouldnt let me. As we are pulling away we notice a mother and her young daughters at the protest. The mother is holding a sign, the daughters are playing by the side of the road. Sean says "Someone should tell that woman letting kids play by the side of the road kills kids" I begged Sean to turn the car around.

So i have a Myspace account. I think most of the world does these days. I get lots of emails saying "Hi beautiful, Your sexy" or "Add me baby!"... hmmm no thanks Ill wait for the more intellegent people to find me.
So i get this email from this guy. He says i seem out spoken and smart. Hey you want to call me smart I will read your email!
He says he is interested in my oppionion on people like him. So i click on his profile... More or less, he is a skin head. He doesnt believe that people should "mix" and believes that white people should rule the world.. WELL THEN. i should have said more then i did, but i didnt feel like picking an on-line fight. He boasted about how smart his people are with high IQs and lots of education. WOOHOO i thought. I told him to use his powers for good not evil. Pretty sad there is still people out there.

I got a car. UNHUH thats right.. a freakin CAR! So its a bit older. a 97 but hey its a car. Notice how i didnt say anything about it running? Well thats because after the new plates where put on it, it wouldnt start. And it wouldnt start the morning after that either. And yesterday it almost didnt start again. this is not to say that it hasn't started because it had. And I have driven it lots. It just doesnt start every time.

So the morning it didnt start I had a HUGE meeting in Pickering. It didnt start, I thought I was going to cry. Here I am in my Neighbours driveway with the hood up just sitting there. NO one was comming to help me. I dont know any of the neighbours. So im going to sit here and well.. do ntohing I guess. A man walks by with his 2 kids. Asks me if Im ok. Yeah Im fine but my car wont start. he goes, gets his car and gets mine to start! I couldnt believe it. I total stranger. I was so happy. So thanks total stranger! and good Karma on you!

well there is the update more or less. I still dont think i like driving that much. I miss the TTC. Class sucks, but that is a whole other post.

Random

There used to be this shop by my house. It was more of an old lady shop but I could always find just the right little black dress for every occasion. A few years ago it closed down.. I have never been able to find another store that had a dress that fit me so well since.

I love to cook. Some times too much. When I start to cook its like something takes over and all of the sudden I have all this food and I don't want to eat any of it. So I have made a pie, Pad Thai, 2 lasagnas, roasted a squash, and am just about to make more pie…. Sad huh?

Sometimes when I walk by my self I hum…

Im starting to realize that all the friends I used to have I cant relate to any more. This whole full time working family partner kids house thing.. it sucks but makes a lot more room to meet new people and appreciate the people I still can be my self with.

I secretly wish I was a cashier… I would love to play with the scan gun all day long. When I am at Dominion, I will wait all day just as long as I can use the self check out.. just so I can pretend.

I want a car so bad yet I am so afraid to drive. My hands get all sweaty and I get scared I will hit someone or an animal or something… cant I just learn how to fly? There is no traffic in the air.

I make "to do" lists at least once a week. If my Wednesday I haven't done all of it, I start to loose sleep and get all stressed until its done.

I could eat leftovers for ever and ever.

I like it when guys hold open doors for me… I think it is sweet

I leave garbage everywhere.. Even if I DID have a trash can in my room it would still be littered with tags from clothes pieces of paper and water bottles everywhere. Im just a slob..

Did I mention my cooking obsession?

Materialistic people drive me nuts… just be freaking happy will ya?

If I could start all over again I would be an interior decorator…

I like to do lots of stuff like paint… I like painting so much I always end up covered in it. And happy about it.

I wish I could dance… and dance well.
I like to stare at pretty and interesting objects. Sometimes I will just stand there and look at something for a long time, even in a busy street and people have to walk around me. To bad the saying isn't "stop and smell the roses in the middle of a crowed down town street in front of a subway entrance" cuz then it would apply to me.

Random should be my middle name.. maybe even hyphenated with blonde.

Fries and salad are my favorite foods.

I like black olives to much better then green, but cant understand why they are more expensive.

Sometimes where I dream, its from a view of an ant and others it a view from a bird.. Sometimes there is no sound.

My cat snores and I do too.

the accommodator

So here I am again,
Listening to your problems
Waiting on your choices
Working around your schedules

Just call me the accommodator.

I am the powerless and controlled
By other peoples choices
By other peoples experiences
By other peoples feelings

I have to follow other people’s schedules of
When they want to talk
When they want to meet
When they want to work

I have no say in the matter yet
I listen
I empathize
I adapt

I am supposed to change according to your will
That is my job
That is my role
That is my place

There is no denying that I am the
Used
Abused
Dismissed

I am powerless
Over you
Over your choices
Over your views

I am affected yet
It is not seen
It is not acknowledged
It is not spoken

And when it is, it’s turned
Back to you
Away from me
Back to you

So I smile and nod
That is fine
It’s alright
I can wait

Because I am the accommodator

Missing the Messiah

Another sleepless night, which is really nothing new. Reading passes the time but TV eases the mind when my eyes are too blurry to read. So there I was, watching waiting to be entertained. Im watching this show, a street magician. Iv seen it a hundred times. He makes things disappear, levitate, reads people minds. Sure it amazing, I couldn’t do it and I bet 99 % of the people who are on MYSpace couldn’t do it either. Then it clicked.

We worship the wrong people. Now please don’t think I am an expert on religion of any type and these are only my opinions and views. I have heard for years now that the messiah is coming. He will come to earth and rid all the bad people and things and blah blah blah. He could take the form of any one of the major religions and I could care less. But people believe this entity is coming.

People also worship the pope, who is named after an egg and could have less spirituality in his pinky finger, but it wouldn’t matter cuz he is the pope. But he was elected pope. He wasn’t created pope or named pope he was appointed by people who have power not godliness. So why worship him? There is no way he is the messiah because he drives around with bullet proof glass around him. If he was the messiah he wouldn’t be scared.

So lets just say for the sake of argument, Jesus is coming back to earth (or any entity but Jesus is the first one that came to me so I am going to run with it). He would be able to do lots of cool things, after all he is the son of god right??

He would be able to levitate, make objects come and go at his will, read peoples minds, create images of people he has never met, withstand weather, physical challenges, and do things with confidence that no other being would dare to do because of the danger and likelihood of not accomplishing it. But Jesus could do it if he wanted to… and so can some typical people walking the streets.

So no I am not calling magicians Jesus or any other messiah. All I am saying is that we worship people who have been appointed to power. We worship people because we are told to. We worship statues and ideas and words in a book yet the little people, the people who are extraordinary are over looked.

It boggles me that society has been so stupid. Yet again, it doesn’t surprise me at all. What does get me going is why has this been over looked? (yes I know I am not the first person to see things this way). Are we so stupid to miss the sings of a major religious figure walking among us? Do we not give credit where credit is due? Are we too blinded by our own bubble in what and who to believe in that we have missed the signs of a true entity entering our world? If we have, god must be pissed.

the things that rule my life

So early this morning I work up with so much energy I was going nuts. After a quick chat on line and watering the plants I thought I would pack for work this weekend. The first thing I always pack is my personal products. Shampoo conditioner, makeup, ect. Well I was packing my makeup and I started to realize how much I have. So I thought I would organize it and throw away some stuff maybe give some stuff to the kids.

I have three cases of makeup, and I just remembered about another drawer that has some stashed away in it too… So here is the tally…

8 tubes of mascara and one unopened one. All different colours blue, purple, plum, black, dark brown, brown… well you get the point.

7 different eyeliners one to go with each of the mascaras

5 different types of foundation/cover up

3 different types of powder… no make that four I have one in my purse

12 palates of eye shadow making a total of 40 different colours

8 things of nail polish.. I was rater I disappointed I didn’t have more…

5 things of blush

10 different type of lip stuff.. half that are in my purse for some odd reason.

8 different types of perfume

at least a dozen types of makeup brushes and same for hair brushes

So there is the list. I decided to throw away some stuff that is old and unused and reorganize in to these little baskets I got. It didn’t take me long to realize I had WAY too much stuff. So I made a deal with myself if it is old or ugly or never been used OUT IT GOES!

I threw away one tube of the brightest and ugliest shade of red lipstick from Mac that even Ronald McDonald wouldn’t use.

3 tubes of mascara that where old and dried up

some tubes of foundation that where used up or very close to it

two things of eyeliner that where ugly as hell and I don’t even remember where I got them from.
And the list goes on… well not really.. that’s it..

So now I look at my nice organized makeup counter and think I have done well, I have de-cluttered and I wont need anymore makeup for another year! I am so controlled by the stuff maybe I will just stop wearing it and be a liberated woman… I will start to show nothing but my inner beauty and be proud that I have blonde eyelashes and bags under my eyes. I acquired those bags through hard work and dedication to school and work! And… DING there goes my email to tell me there is a makeup sale coming up in a week. And guess what, I am going.


*note the above list is totaled AFTER I threw things away… so yeah its pretty bad.

Jea-lousy

My feelings on jealousy have recently changed. I used to believe I was a jealous person, even when these feelings where not provoked, but yet it was just in my nature. I have come to realized that although this may be true, I do exhibit great control over these feelings until they are aggravated.
This led me to another thought, why it is so important for people to make others jealous? Is the thought of power or control that is enticing? Or maybe the sudden urge to be appreciated by another. For example, we often make our partner jealous but flirting or commenting about other attractive or enticing people. Using lines that express how other people might find you desirable or sexy. This tactic is nothing new. Letting your partner know you have other options is old news, yet it still stirs up these crazy emotions. No one ever wants to let go of what they have, especially if another person wants it too.
Now a partner that feels neglected or unappreciated may use this ploy to get some attention and gratitude. But isnt there an easier way?

I dont find it attractive when I am presented with people who describe to me all the women that want to have sex with them. It makes the women look like whores and the men look insecure.
It makes me angry to think that someone can subject me to these feelings that are so lousy and hack away a small part of my self esteem with the threat of another women, sorry.. whore.

So to all of you who believe that by making yourself desirable though these tactics of immaturity, get a life. At first it might sting, but in the end you are the one doing the damage. People will realized they have been used, manipulated and will not tolerate it.

Instead tell the person how you are feeling. Demand respect, understanding and communication. And dont try to threaten me with the prospect of leaving or finding someone better. Your threats are empty, and I am better then that.

memories

So with the school year at its end and work hitting a plateau I find myself thinking a lot. Not of things to do or papers I wish I could have dont better on, but of the past. Every once in a while a memory jumps into my mind. Some make me smile other make me wonder.. and of course there are quite a few that make me cringe. I thought that I would share a few that have been haunting my mind and see if getting them out in the open would make them disappear.

I remember walking down the street to see my best friend crying my eyes out after I got a terrible haircut I think I was about 15. I walked in to her house and all she could do was laugh, which made me laugh. Then she told me I was beautiful no matter what. I miss her.

The Halloween my rat died and my little bro blurted it out over the phone while I was still at a friends house.

The first time I got to walk the hallways of my school holding hands with a guy I truly liked and how special I felt.

The day I got my picture taken with my brand new bike. I was on a neighbors driveway and she was so proud because I bought it myself.

The day I left for New York to go on this crazy adventure. I remember the excitement of leaving my parents and walking down the gate and realizing how self sufficient I had to be from that point on because they where not there.

The morning my lil bro was taken to the hospital when he was just a year old. I remember the phone call and I remember crying like mad. How could one person love someone so much I kept thinking. Then I realized it didnt matter.

The day I drew on the wall close to the stairs and lied about it. Then tried to cover it up with yellow crayon and a piece of paper towel. Needless to say I go caught.

The first time someone told me I was beautiful and smart and fun and didnt want anything in return.

Its amazing what happens to your mind when you have time to think. I believe that everyone should take a bit more time to just remember the good and bad and the lessons that came with it.

Revlon Sale

So yesterday I went to a Revlon sale.

Thats right ladies Revlon sale at Pickering flea market until the 14th!!!

Ok back to the story
I went to the Revlon sale, dragging my poor ex bf behind me.. long story on that one.

Ok Revlon sale.. right..

So I walk in and WOW its packed! Women all lined up around tables and boxes and aisles kinda pushing but not really. Eyeing the other women who picked up a certain colour of eye shadow and giving them the if thats the last one I will fight you for it kinda look.

It was MAD! And to boot there was also jean machine there and had jeans on sale for 20 bucks I think.. but I didnt make it that far.

I had no intention on buying a lot. Just trying to see if there was products I could use and get them for cheep as I am so dead broke its not even funny. So walking around these tables being kinda pushed forward by a gaggle of women I see nice nail polish. Yes I can justify nail polish as summer is commin up and I like my nails to look nice. So I get a few

Next Aisle

Mascara and Eye Shadow

Well I dont really need any because I cashed in my Shoppers points and stocked up when they where having their sale.. but ohhh plum mascara Iv always wanted to try that colour.. and it comes with a FREE eyeliner.. well I mean it is only 5 bucks.. and the eyeliner is free.. ok gotta get it..

Next Aisle

Lipsticks and glosses

Now I KNOW I dont need any of these.. oh but this is so pretty and it smells yummy and its nice a sheer and not too sticky. Oh iv always wanted to try a stay on lip colour OK ill just get one.. ok two..

Next Aisle

Foundation and powder

Now I KNOW I need foundation cuz mine is almost out. Ohh look.. just right for summer with a bit of shimmer.. no LOOK golden powder since I can wear bronzer.. OK well its a good investment you know.. powder does last a long time and I need foundation ok.. just one bottle.

Back to the Eye shadow..

You know this goes for like 18 buck in the stores and here its only 10.. and look at all the pretty colours. Ok ill get it..

So as you can tell I went over and over the aisles picking up more and more stuff.. Then it hit me. If ANYONE knows how I shop this will come as no big surprise. I put it all back.
ALL of it. I started to get all panicked.. I dont NEED it you know.. make up yeah I like it but common I have MORE then enough of it. I dont need plum mascara or a free eyeliner or golden shimmer power or new nail colours.. I cant spend that much money this is mad.. So I walked out all the way back to the flea market.

But I want it!! SO BAD.. so I went back to the Revlon sale to try and retrieve the items I had tossed away. And I found most of them, and chiseled down my wants a bit.. Then I did it again.. put it all back and walked out of the door..
You guessed it 10 mins later I was back again and managed to get a few items back.. Then I took a good look at poor, patient Sean. What a nice guy, doesnt say anything.. lets me have my moments and although he doesnt quite understand he does put up with it without a word of complaint.

So after a few mins of contemplating I got in line to check out. Well this is the worst of it all. Having to stand there with nothing to do but wait. So my mind starts to work over time trying to validate all the stuff I am buying. Just as I am about to crack and drop it all and run away for good I make it to the cash and am saved. I make my purchase and walk away happy and tired.

I am not a Trophy

Ok so I have been getting a lot of emails lately with guys wanted to add me to their space. I then click on their profile and long behold they have nothing but half naked sexual spread of women as their “friend”. Although I find this kind of offensive as a woman, I know it is typical of the internet to find perverts and sexual freaks. I am on the internet therefore I understand and take that risk. But here is the thing. I am not a sexual object. I do not want to be part of your collection. You are part of the reason why women a still making a lower income, are still sexually harassed, and dominated around the world. You are part of the problem. (Now for all the guys who are going to scream at me, please notice that I said PART.. women need to take SOME responsibility)

Now I could get in to why some women act like sexual object for attention because that is all they know because that is what we have been objectified as by the world and the media but I wont… it would take far too long. So, I will only stand up for my self and say this....

I am not a TROPHY. If you are one of these guys that has nothing but sexy looking girls on your profile, and it is your mission to have a collection of the 700 hottest girls, please go play in heavy traffic, jump off a bridge in to some ice cold water and drowned yourself.

If your message contains the words “your hot, sexy, gorgeous, beautiful and I want you” please don’t waste your time as I refuse to be a part of your collection of half naked women that you post to improve your poor self image and low self esteem.

I have a brain, I like to read, I like love my job and I go to school. If all you see if boobs and blonde hair and can not read in to the finer details of a person go find someone else that wants to be sexually objectified, because I am not it.

The Crashing End

So I knew it was over. Sean and I have been together for 6 years, since we where 17. We met in a college program in a kitchen learning the basics of cooking and after one date we where crazy for each other.

Over time we have grown in to adults. Going to college together. That’s when I saw warning signs. He was interested in other girls, and in some ways he did act upon that interest. But I forgave him, rebuilt that trust and moved on.

Second year of college it happened again. Same thing.. I forgave him rebuilt the trust and moved on.

In January 2006 I found out that he had been seeing this waitress at the restaurant where he works as a cook. They where caught making out one night. Both had been drinking but Sean claims he wasn’t drunk.

It was rough month but I was convinced that we could make it through it. I set boundaries not letting myself be pushed over. No sex, no kissing. Slowly I found out more times he lied to me and sure it hurt, but my love was stronger.. much stronger.

So now its april, and we have been rebuilding things slowly. Its taken time but Im starting to trust him again, love him again, and prepare for a different type of relationship.

There was talk of a trip to France which I was invited on. I was then uninvited, by his parents in not so many words. That is a WHOLE new posting. His parents don’t like me.. I wonder why.

I told Sean that he should wait and we will travel together like it was always our dream. I told him if he leaves for a few weeks to travel Europe I wont wait and I will be under the impression he is no longer interested in this relationship. He booked the tickets yesterday.

So now I feel used. I feel defeated and deflated. I packed up all his stuff and told him to come and get it tomorrow morning. All he did was say OK.

Hurt.

Ok yes I am hurt. yes i am going to say this again. I AM HURT. I know i did a rather emotional posting yesterday but i dont feel i got it all out so i am going to do it again. I am hurt.

Bernice, my best friend in the whole wide world is getting married. She is 23, works at a vet office since she was 15 and went to college for a year. About a year ago she met a guy, who is 15 years older then her through her work. They dated, she let him bang her, which was her first and they fell madly in love.
I find him controling. I find that his jokes are often snide remarks of the truth. I find him to be annoying. Now i know no one will ever be good enough for her but she can go better. MUCH BETTER.
Now in January they got engaged, bought a house and set a wedding date. She didnt tell me any of this. I had seen her, talk to her and everything and not a word of it passed through her lips. I had to hear it all from a co-worker of hers yesterday.
She says she wanted to surprize me. But I am just hurt. A few months ago we where picking out names for her new dog together, and now in this huge step of her life i am no where to be found, seen or heard of. All of the sudden the small little corner of her life I was still in i am pushed out of.
I know its not all him. He is so easy to blame though. But she has to take some credit for it too.
I am hurt, I feel betrayed, lied to and I am angry with her.
If i tell her i might loose her as a friend. But if i dont I will bust up at the wedding I know I will.
I hate sitting here watching my best friend throw away her dreams for a 38 year old guy. What about her dreams to travel? Or go back to school? Or her wedding on a beach? None of it will happen now.
She has become the person she once criticized. All of our friends who have moved in with their partners after short periods of time and stayed in a dead end job she has called fools. She has said they will struggle through life and never acheive the things we talked about as youth on the hill of our high school. That the guys they are with they dont truly know because they have only been with each other a short period of time and i agreed with her. And now my best friend has become one of them. She has become my disapointment.

And the emotions pour

Ok, so i have had a lot of news today.
One, I am no longer going to Europe. I am not wanted and not going. end of story.
Two, my best friend of 20 years got engaged and bought a house with a guy who is 15 years older then i am and who i detest and didnt even tell me. I had to find out from a co-worker of hers... and this happened two months ago and i am just finding out now. I am hurt that she didnt tell me even though she said she wanted to "surprize" me.
Three I now know for sure that my relationship with my partner of 6 years is done and over with, as i should have known two months ago when we "took a break"
Four the guy i want to be with i can never be fully with because i can never, ever trust him again.
Five I still live with my parents while all my other friend are buying houses, getting married and living an adult life. I am here still in school with a part time job at 23 and feel like i am stuck.
When am i going to be an adult? What the hell is stoping me from moving out or buying a car or being in a relationship with someone my parents dont like.
Whats wrong with me and why am i so left behind?
Yes now i can hear the voices, "but you are getting a good education that will pay off in the future" yeah yeha so when all my friends are at dead end jobs i will be living the high life.. nice sure.. that great.. but when will i be an adult. and why the hell is this bothering me so much. Why do i feel like i am still a kid and watching all my freinds sail in to this new era of life. Am I that stuck that i am not moving in to adult hood? am i in crises and not able to move forward?
Ok so this is a pitty post, i recognize that. But right now I am hurt, bruised and feel like independence is beyond my reach.

Lost

So here it is. Yes I am stressed. There has been drama at work, so much that people expect me... ME to wave my magic wand and make it better. Im lost in this sea of wanting to make things better and needing to let go. So i turn to other things music, reading yet I am drawn back to the same question. Can I do it? Can I make things better or am I going to drownd in the sea of overwhelming emotions of both the foster parent and kid? I have been questioning my own ability over the last few weeks. It is helping? Are they improving? Or am i being paid like many of the other workers out there to simply give the false hope that I am doing something positive for these kids. Who knows, i dont. Maybe I am a fraud, an educated no one who just follows books and research but yet has no real oppionions. Self doubt. Its a scary thing especially when you work to change lives of others. If i cant trust myself and my own abilities am i fit to work with these kids who need a strong role model? Self Doubt. I keeping thinking it will pass that I will wake up again and feel whole and compleate and full of confidence. Yet I am still waiting for that day, that morning when i know i am doing the best i can. Im looking at this picture and it is how I feel. I dont know up from down, where it is or where it ends, its just there. And yes before you ask where i got it. I took it.

the TTC.. the RUDE way

OK its about 9 pm on the TTC. It’s a bit crowded, but there is still lots of space to stand and even some seats. So because of this people always tend to take up a bit more room. Some keep their shopping on the seats, other wear their back packs and lean on polls.. Hey what ever there is room! But YOU.. yes YOU… the one standing in the doorway as people try to get on and off. As people have to charge the doors because they are waiting for you to exit because you are STANDING in the doorway. Standing there with all your bags, right in front of the doors, not even trying to move out of the way to allow people on and off.. To afraid to move and loose “your” spot. Well I have only one thing to say to you.. MOVE THE FUCK OVER! Cant you see the sign, DO NOT BLOCK DOORWAYS. Don’t you have any common sense? Any manners? Don’t you see people trying to struggle to get around you? ARE YOU BLIND? Well if you are then you have an excuse but my guess if YOU ARE NOT!...

So now.. I’m guessing you are wondering where all this hostility is coming from? Well let me tell you…
Last night as I was coming home from class on the TTC, this woman was standing in the door way with all her shopping. As the train pulled in at one of the busiest stations in Toronto she didn’t move, or even TRY to move.. she stood her ground like a brick wall expecting everyone to walk around her. Sure the dirty looks where flying and people where giving her little shoves here and there to express their annoyance, but no not me. I HAD to make a comment.. “That’s a bad place to stand if you haven’t noticed”.

The response.. “where would you like me to stand?”
“Anywhere but in the door way” I said pointing to the sign.

A large sigh was all she could do to respond as the doors opened again and more people tried to climb over this lady. Then the whole car heard it… CRUNCH.
Someone running to get in the doors stepped on one of the bags and broke something.

Now in Toronto we always promote that we are tolerant, kind, and understanding people.. well last night that was no where to be found. I

“Oh I am so sorry I didn’t mean to step on your bags” said a young girl in her early twenties.
“You broke it, and its ruined. Cant you watch where you are going?” says the lady in the door way.
“You shouldn’t be standing in the door way. I’m sorry but I was trying to get on the train”

“Well maybe next time you will be more careful and you wont break other peoples valuables. Rude kid.”

Ok so every bone in my body told me to shut up. Not to say a word, don’t even look at the lady or in her direction.. but did I .. no.

I got up and as I was exiting the sub way I look at the lady and said
“I told you it was a bad place to stand”.

I don’t know what happened after that.. Im sure she was angry and so was I . There is no point to this story except the fact that people who stand in the door ways of the TTC SUCK! And I wish more people would tell them that…

my week of busy

OK so life is busy.. don’t get me wrong, everyone has a busy life and I am not here to play “my horse if bigger then your horse”. But I would like to share a bit about my busy days.

Monday, hang out with the guy friend, squeeze in a bit of homework and go to class in the eve.

Tuesday, Homework.. reading for my online class, then work leaving at three and home at 6:30, dinner then some more reading, also laundry for the Family

Wend, Work all day.. logs paper works activates contacting people ect… then work at 3 until 8, get home at 9 30.

Thursday, Work for class on Thusday, includes readings and notes, then Go to class at night.

Friday, do reading for Mondays class as well as notes and homework. Finish up the weeks stuff and try to find some time with friends,

Sat, wont even think about school.. or work.. yeah right.. Im at work all day and all night because I like it.

Sunday Guy friend off again, running around like shopping and bank and post and ect..

So there we go.

Im busy.

Shopping

Shopping. Yes we all do it. But how many of you take 30 mins to decide if you want to buy a $12.00 top. My guess, not many. I am one of those people. I went shopping today because there was an end of season sale at a shop I like. I found a nice short black sweater, a outdoor vest with a hood, and a nice, sexy black top. All these items where anywhere between $10-$20 dollars off the regular price plus my extra off from my discount card. I was so happy walking up to the cash, and as the girl was ringing in my stuff the panic started to set in. There is $12, then $20, then $15.. oh god that like $49 with tax, that's transportation money for a week, that's one 10 ride GO ticket and 5 TTC tokens, or those resource books I have been meaning to get for work, or ink and paper for my printer or. And the list continues. Finally when the lady at the cash gave me my total I asked her to hold my stuff just for a minute. She gave me a funny look but agreed. Well I continued to walk around the mall trying to convince myself it was ok to spend some cash, I like the stuff it looks good and I need SOME new clothes instead of hand-me-downs from the girls I work with. So 30 minutes later I walk back in to the store and went to pay for my clothes, then the words "FINAL SALE" came up.. that was another 10 minutes.

Once I took a pair of pants back three times because they where $40 dollars. I ended up buying them in the end when they where 25ff and the season was almost over.. I guess I'm the type of person that has to ease into things.

I did buy my clothes and as soon as I walked out of the store with bag in hand, I called mom for a little reassurance. Then called my best friend for a little more

So I know money doesn't grow on trees, I didn't grow up with a tone of cash and was raised to know the meaning and hard work it takes to earn a pay cheque but who and I kidding.. I'm just neurotic.

THAT Friend

Do you remember that friend? Everyone had one. The friend that would be nice to you only when you where alone, then be a completely different person in front of a group? I had one of those friends. He dated a lot of my friends and would ask me questions about them, I even remember one time he asked me a question about sex as we where walking home. It amazing though how when we where in a group I was the butt of his jokes. And even though he made me angry and embarrassed I never told anyone about what we would talk about on our walks home from school. Do you remember that friend? Everyone had one.

It's a funny thing though, because even though we know spending time alone with THAT friend will be fun, we also know things will never change, you will always be hurt when other people are around. All of the sudden you become just another "friend" or "girl" or "joke" yet we still go back to the same person, to that same friend.

There is never an apology, its almost like its an unwritten rule of life. You be sweet to me when we are alone and I'll allow you to treat me like nothing when we are in front of people. It hurts yes, but maybe this is our way of punishing ourselves for all the times we do it to others.

I thought about this last night. How people change people. How one moment your sweet and kind and the next when there is an audience you become cool, smooth and slick. We all do it, so don't deny it. We all have these different personas we need to show to fit in. But my question is which is the real one.. your authentic self?
I'll try if you will.

Sex what?

This is a post from Feb 5th

Since when did my sex life become such a fukin drama that it included people I wasnt even sleeping with? Just because you have sex with someone that you are not in a "loving caring kind mushy will be with you forever relationship" with doesnt make you a hore, slut, hooker.. ect. Everyone has it. Does it. Talks about it. Makes fun about it. Gloats about it. Yet when it comes down to the real thing its a huge problem! So get over it.. learn to live with it. If u let it go.. dont expect someone to not find it.. use it.. and fukin enjoy it! The greatest thing about sex is being the person that you cant be in clothing! Being your alter ego.. being the glamorous when your plain being sexy when your shy and being fun when your boring. Please stand up and say too damn bad. Please say something, anything really And if you cant do that.. then dont do me. I am a sexually open person.. used to being the odd ball at many parties, but i got over it and so will you.
So.. in conclusion
IF your not getting it.. go find it.. and dont take it out on the people who are enjoying it....its not our problem.
and BTW name calling isnt nice =Þ

The first of many

So here I am... typing away pouring my life out on to a computer screen. Then the magic light bulb went of in my head. "Shit, I cant have the kids I work with seeing all this stuff!". So, because i have enjoyed posting recently thanks to a friend that introduced me to it i have decided to packup and move to a place where the kids cant find me. So i can write about my sex life (which I am sure I will alot) and i can wirte about life, and school, and work and of course him... him who i cant love, cant date, but am learning i cant live without. So give me time and I will move all my postings here, so you can read them and be a part of someone elses life.

--Ebony Rose.