Hurt.

Ok yes I am hurt. yes i am going to say this again. I AM HURT. I know i did a rather emotional posting yesterday but i dont feel i got it all out so i am going to do it again. I am hurt.

Bernice, my best friend in the whole wide world is getting married. She is 23, works at a vet office since she was 15 and went to college for a year. About a year ago she met a guy, who is 15 years older then her through her work. They dated, she let him bang her, which was her first and they fell madly in love.
I find him controling. I find that his jokes are often snide remarks of the truth. I find him to be annoying. Now i know no one will ever be good enough for her but she can go better. MUCH BETTER.
Now in January they got engaged, bought a house and set a wedding date. She didnt tell me any of this. I had seen her, talk to her and everything and not a word of it passed through her lips. I had to hear it all from a co-worker of hers yesterday.
She says she wanted to surprize me. But I am just hurt. A few months ago we where picking out names for her new dog together, and now in this huge step of her life i am no where to be found, seen or heard of. All of the sudden the small little corner of her life I was still in i am pushed out of.
I know its not all him. He is so easy to blame though. But she has to take some credit for it too.
I am hurt, I feel betrayed, lied to and I am angry with her.
If i tell her i might loose her as a friend. But if i dont I will bust up at the wedding I know I will.
I hate sitting here watching my best friend throw away her dreams for a 38 year old guy. What about her dreams to travel? Or go back to school? Or her wedding on a beach? None of it will happen now.
She has become the person she once criticized. All of our friends who have moved in with their partners after short periods of time and stayed in a dead end job she has called fools. She has said they will struggle through life and never acheive the things we talked about as youth on the hill of our high school. That the guys they are with they dont truly know because they have only been with each other a short period of time and i agreed with her. And now my best friend has become one of them. She has become my disapointment.

And the emotions pour

Ok, so i have had a lot of news today.
One, I am no longer going to Europe. I am not wanted and not going. end of story.
Two, my best friend of 20 years got engaged and bought a house with a guy who is 15 years older then i am and who i detest and didnt even tell me. I had to find out from a co-worker of hers... and this happened two months ago and i am just finding out now. I am hurt that she didnt tell me even though she said she wanted to "surprize" me.
Three I now know for sure that my relationship with my partner of 6 years is done and over with, as i should have known two months ago when we "took a break"
Four the guy i want to be with i can never be fully with because i can never, ever trust him again.
Five I still live with my parents while all my other friend are buying houses, getting married and living an adult life. I am here still in school with a part time job at 23 and feel like i am stuck.
When am i going to be an adult? What the hell is stoping me from moving out or buying a car or being in a relationship with someone my parents dont like.
Whats wrong with me and why am i so left behind?
Yes now i can hear the voices, "but you are getting a good education that will pay off in the future" yeah yeha so when all my friends are at dead end jobs i will be living the high life.. nice sure.. that great.. but when will i be an adult. and why the hell is this bothering me so much. Why do i feel like i am still a kid and watching all my freinds sail in to this new era of life. Am I that stuck that i am not moving in to adult hood? am i in crises and not able to move forward?
Ok so this is a pitty post, i recognize that. But right now I am hurt, bruised and feel like independence is beyond my reach.

Lost

So here it is. Yes I am stressed. There has been drama at work, so much that people expect me... ME to wave my magic wand and make it better. Im lost in this sea of wanting to make things better and needing to let go. So i turn to other things music, reading yet I am drawn back to the same question. Can I do it? Can I make things better or am I going to drownd in the sea of overwhelming emotions of both the foster parent and kid? I have been questioning my own ability over the last few weeks. It is helping? Are they improving? Or am i being paid like many of the other workers out there to simply give the false hope that I am doing something positive for these kids. Who knows, i dont. Maybe I am a fraud, an educated no one who just follows books and research but yet has no real oppionions. Self doubt. Its a scary thing especially when you work to change lives of others. If i cant trust myself and my own abilities am i fit to work with these kids who need a strong role model? Self Doubt. I keeping thinking it will pass that I will wake up again and feel whole and compleate and full of confidence. Yet I am still waiting for that day, that morning when i know i am doing the best i can. Im looking at this picture and it is how I feel. I dont know up from down, where it is or where it ends, its just there. And yes before you ask where i got it. I took it.

the TTC.. the RUDE way

OK its about 9 pm on the TTC. It’s a bit crowded, but there is still lots of space to stand and even some seats. So because of this people always tend to take up a bit more room. Some keep their shopping on the seats, other wear their back packs and lean on polls.. Hey what ever there is room! But YOU.. yes YOU… the one standing in the doorway as people try to get on and off. As people have to charge the doors because they are waiting for you to exit because you are STANDING in the doorway. Standing there with all your bags, right in front of the doors, not even trying to move out of the way to allow people on and off.. To afraid to move and loose “your” spot. Well I have only one thing to say to you.. MOVE THE FUCK OVER! Cant you see the sign, DO NOT BLOCK DOORWAYS. Don’t you have any common sense? Any manners? Don’t you see people trying to struggle to get around you? ARE YOU BLIND? Well if you are then you have an excuse but my guess if YOU ARE NOT!...

So now.. I’m guessing you are wondering where all this hostility is coming from? Well let me tell you…
Last night as I was coming home from class on the TTC, this woman was standing in the door way with all her shopping. As the train pulled in at one of the busiest stations in Toronto she didn’t move, or even TRY to move.. she stood her ground like a brick wall expecting everyone to walk around her. Sure the dirty looks where flying and people where giving her little shoves here and there to express their annoyance, but no not me. I HAD to make a comment.. “That’s a bad place to stand if you haven’t noticed”.

The response.. “where would you like me to stand?”
“Anywhere but in the door way” I said pointing to the sign.

A large sigh was all she could do to respond as the doors opened again and more people tried to climb over this lady. Then the whole car heard it… CRUNCH.
Someone running to get in the doors stepped on one of the bags and broke something.

Now in Toronto we always promote that we are tolerant, kind, and understanding people.. well last night that was no where to be found. I

“Oh I am so sorry I didn’t mean to step on your bags” said a young girl in her early twenties.
“You broke it, and its ruined. Cant you watch where you are going?” says the lady in the door way.
“You shouldn’t be standing in the door way. I’m sorry but I was trying to get on the train”

“Well maybe next time you will be more careful and you wont break other peoples valuables. Rude kid.”

Ok so every bone in my body told me to shut up. Not to say a word, don’t even look at the lady or in her direction.. but did I .. no.

I got up and as I was exiting the sub way I look at the lady and said
“I told you it was a bad place to stand”.

I don’t know what happened after that.. Im sure she was angry and so was I . There is no point to this story except the fact that people who stand in the door ways of the TTC SUCK! And I wish more people would tell them that…

my week of busy

OK so life is busy.. don’t get me wrong, everyone has a busy life and I am not here to play “my horse if bigger then your horse”. But I would like to share a bit about my busy days.

Monday, hang out with the guy friend, squeeze in a bit of homework and go to class in the eve.

Tuesday, Homework.. reading for my online class, then work leaving at three and home at 6:30, dinner then some more reading, also laundry for the Family

Wend, Work all day.. logs paper works activates contacting people ect… then work at 3 until 8, get home at 9 30.

Thursday, Work for class on Thusday, includes readings and notes, then Go to class at night.

Friday, do reading for Mondays class as well as notes and homework. Finish up the weeks stuff and try to find some time with friends,

Sat, wont even think about school.. or work.. yeah right.. Im at work all day and all night because I like it.

Sunday Guy friend off again, running around like shopping and bank and post and ect..

So there we go.

Im busy.

Shopping

Shopping. Yes we all do it. But how many of you take 30 mins to decide if you want to buy a $12.00 top. My guess, not many. I am one of those people. I went shopping today because there was an end of season sale at a shop I like. I found a nice short black sweater, a outdoor vest with a hood, and a nice, sexy black top. All these items where anywhere between $10-$20 dollars off the regular price plus my extra off from my discount card. I was so happy walking up to the cash, and as the girl was ringing in my stuff the panic started to set in. There is $12, then $20, then $15.. oh god that like $49 with tax, that's transportation money for a week, that's one 10 ride GO ticket and 5 TTC tokens, or those resource books I have been meaning to get for work, or ink and paper for my printer or. And the list continues. Finally when the lady at the cash gave me my total I asked her to hold my stuff just for a minute. She gave me a funny look but agreed. Well I continued to walk around the mall trying to convince myself it was ok to spend some cash, I like the stuff it looks good and I need SOME new clothes instead of hand-me-downs from the girls I work with. So 30 minutes later I walk back in to the store and went to pay for my clothes, then the words "FINAL SALE" came up.. that was another 10 minutes.

Once I took a pair of pants back three times because they where $40 dollars. I ended up buying them in the end when they where 25ff and the season was almost over.. I guess I'm the type of person that has to ease into things.

I did buy my clothes and as soon as I walked out of the store with bag in hand, I called mom for a little reassurance. Then called my best friend for a little more

So I know money doesn't grow on trees, I didn't grow up with a tone of cash and was raised to know the meaning and hard work it takes to earn a pay cheque but who and I kidding.. I'm just neurotic.

THAT Friend

Do you remember that friend? Everyone had one. The friend that would be nice to you only when you where alone, then be a completely different person in front of a group? I had one of those friends. He dated a lot of my friends and would ask me questions about them, I even remember one time he asked me a question about sex as we where walking home. It amazing though how when we where in a group I was the butt of his jokes. And even though he made me angry and embarrassed I never told anyone about what we would talk about on our walks home from school. Do you remember that friend? Everyone had one.

It's a funny thing though, because even though we know spending time alone with THAT friend will be fun, we also know things will never change, you will always be hurt when other people are around. All of the sudden you become just another "friend" or "girl" or "joke" yet we still go back to the same person, to that same friend.

There is never an apology, its almost like its an unwritten rule of life. You be sweet to me when we are alone and I'll allow you to treat me like nothing when we are in front of people. It hurts yes, but maybe this is our way of punishing ourselves for all the times we do it to others.

I thought about this last night. How people change people. How one moment your sweet and kind and the next when there is an audience you become cool, smooth and slick. We all do it, so don't deny it. We all have these different personas we need to show to fit in. But my question is which is the real one.. your authentic self?
I'll try if you will.

Sex what?

This is a post from Feb 5th

Since when did my sex life become such a fukin drama that it included people I wasnt even sleeping with? Just because you have sex with someone that you are not in a "loving caring kind mushy will be with you forever relationship" with doesnt make you a hore, slut, hooker.. ect. Everyone has it. Does it. Talks about it. Makes fun about it. Gloats about it. Yet when it comes down to the real thing its a huge problem! So get over it.. learn to live with it. If u let it go.. dont expect someone to not find it.. use it.. and fukin enjoy it! The greatest thing about sex is being the person that you cant be in clothing! Being your alter ego.. being the glamorous when your plain being sexy when your shy and being fun when your boring. Please stand up and say too damn bad. Please say something, anything really And if you cant do that.. then dont do me. I am a sexually open person.. used to being the odd ball at many parties, but i got over it and so will you.
So.. in conclusion
IF your not getting it.. go find it.. and dont take it out on the people who are enjoying it....its not our problem.
and BTW name calling isnt nice =Þ

The first of many

So here I am... typing away pouring my life out on to a computer screen. Then the magic light bulb went of in my head. "Shit, I cant have the kids I work with seeing all this stuff!". So, because i have enjoyed posting recently thanks to a friend that introduced me to it i have decided to packup and move to a place where the kids cant find me. So i can write about my sex life (which I am sure I will alot) and i can wirte about life, and school, and work and of course him... him who i cant love, cant date, but am learning i cant live without. So give me time and I will move all my postings here, so you can read them and be a part of someone elses life.

--Ebony Rose.