How do you say....?

How do you say that your life was easier/quieter/more relaxed without "you" in my life?
I recently have a person who has decided to come back into my life. Long story short we had a falling out about (and I know this is going to sound terrible!) the man she was going to marry. I did not think he was good enough/smart enough/strong enough/had a good family ect to be with her and I said it. Yup, just threw it out there. When I was confronted, I owned it and said yes this is how I feel and I feel this way because you are my friend. Yes you are right, it did not go over well.
Fast forward a few years later. This person contacts me wanting to be friends again. At first I wasn't willing, then I came around to the idea, and now I wish I would have just stayed AWAY!

I love my friends, and like Girl Guides taught me, make new friends and keep the old, one is silver and the others gold. But I feel so smothered by her, as she phones me every night. I am always so defensive around her because she is so pushy with her views. She never comes to see me, I always have to see her. I don't like her husband or her dog. And I know the only reason she came calling on my door was because her other friends dumped her and she had no one. So, at first I felt sorry for her and now I know why they did it.

I don't have the heart to tell her but I do have the heart to press the ignore button on my phone. Now only is BBM would stop showing her that I received her message!

crossXroads

Back from the vacation of my dreams I sit here at my desk and wonder where do I go from here. I believe I did the same thing after I graduated from the BA program... I wondered and wished and pondered and pretended that I knew what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. But truth is, I don't. I don't have a clue what I want and need in life right now.

I have spent my 20s raising other peoples teenagers. I didn't go to bars, clubs, parties. I was too busy with school and work and being responsible for other peoples lives. Soon, that job is ending. Soon I will no longer have school and night time shifts, but only a simple day time job. I will finally at 27 be an adult with adult time. But I am not sure if I am happy about this or not.

I am losing my identity of being a student, of being a front line worker, of working 2 jobs, of who I have been for the last 7 years. And in a weird, strange way, I like it. I like knowing there will be no more calls to the police, no more pick up and drop offs, no more sleepless nights or stressful events. I will be able to go home every single night. Life will start to look normal.

Than I feel the tug.. that slight pull from inside that says my life was not meant to be normal, but exceptional and the kids I work with have made it exceptional. On top of the tug, I hear the knock of opportunity. The ability to continue to work front line with the youth and eliminate the day job.

Than I feel the tear... the rip between wanting to keep my identity and move on to a different life. I would love to continue to work in the homes and work with the youth and run groups and programs and be who I have been for a long time. But there, just there, is a glimmer of what my life could be like with free weekends, free time and no worry of kids.

So, where do I go from here?

Not so nice...

I am always the first one in the office. I unlock the door, turn off the alarm turn on the coffee pot sort the faxes check the messages. Most of this, not my job. However, I don't mind doing it as I am almost ALWAYS 15 mins early. Its a gift :-)

One morning I came in and did my daily routine of unlocking, checking and sorting. Checking includes checking emails that came in over the weekend and of course, my facebook. Here I am at my desk checking out my emails and two co-workers come in chatting, well more like whispering. Typically they say "HI!" and continue with their conversations, which I am fine with. However this morning I was ignored. My two co-workers continued with their conversation like I was not even there, however it turned into a whisper. Into a hush hush talk which lasted about 40 minutes.

There they sat talking, whispering ect with my just in the next office, not saying a word. I felt rather pissed that they did not say morning, hello, or made a noise my way. Why I didn't say something to them, I am not sure. After the 40 minute convo they ask why I am so quiet. Well I said I didn't want to interrupt their obvious private and important conversation. To that the one replied, sorry my head is elsewhere right now and I didn't know you were here. ARE YOU KIDDING? Who would turn on the lights, the coffee pot, check the messages, sort the faxes? Sheesh! I could have been choking or dead on the floor and they would not have known for 40 mins.

I don't know why this made me so angry, but it did. I now find out that my co-worker does have some pretty serious stuff going on, however does that negate the use of manners? Perhaps I should just let it go, but for some reason I can't. I feel that although there is crap going on in EVERYONES lives its still important to be kind and polite, although it may be difficult. Whisper if you must but at least check to make sure I am still breathing.

Nice people....

So here I was, driving as fast as I could without getting a ticket to present my final paper for my Masters. I was running a little behind, and traffic was slow. I finally get to the school and look for parking. I am parked ALL THE WAY in the back, no big deal right? I am wearing 3 inch heals and running to the parking meeter. The meeter looks rather funny, like something is wrong. I should have kept walking to the other one, however being the curious person I needed to see that it was out of order. The next meeter was ALL THE WAY down the lot. Looking at the time i decided it was time to toss the heal and run barefoot to the next meeter. Yes, barefoot in a parking lot in the middle of the city. Judge me if you must but I was panicking.
Arriving at the finally working meeter I insert my visa and was told that the meeter could not read my ( new chip) card. F***! Looking at my watch, I am now 5 minutes late for what might be the most important presentation yet. My cell phone is ringing with my professor wanting to know A) where I am and B) what room she needs to go to. Trying to run and explain the situation and find enough change to park is making me sweat, a lot. Like dripping foundation and frizzy hair. From out in the distance I hear "Excuse me!!"... There was the voice of an angel, my angel.. a young woman who was leaving and offered me her parking pass. I took it said a quick thanks and RAN TO MY CAR.

I didn't get to thank her enough. I didn't get to tell her how her act of kindness saved me. I didn't get to say properly how much in this day and age I appreciated what she did, even if it was a small act. So...

To the wonderful, kind lady who gave me her parking pass on Friday April 16 at 10:30 am at Centennial College, Progress Campus, Thank you. Thank you Thank you. I am sorry I ran off with it so quickly, I am sorry that I didn't stop to thank you more. I will forever be grateful for what you did. And after I left, I put the pass in the slot of a machine hoping that someone will find it and use it. Pay it forward baby.

So there are still nice people out there. I encountered one of them, and I hope that I will get to BE ONE OF THEM.

By the way, I did my presentation and pass... with an A+. I now have an MA.

Unsupportive me

Seriously, my life revolves being supportive to people ALL THE TIME. I knew that this job would be a lot of YOU and less ME. I am ok with that. Most times I enjoy being the supportive, caring, positive view person. However the last few weeks I have been having a difficult time being supportive of my friends and family. I scream in my head, SUCK IT UP. Or even better, QUIT YOUR BITCHING AND BE POSITIVE. I know, I'm a terrible person and I am not perfect. I have had an easy-ish life and don't know true hardships. I can agree to that. But this problem goes beyond my just screaming in my head. I am now just not paying attention when people come to talk to me. Especially if it is an ongoing issue that I may have been supportive of many, many times. I just can't seem to lift my eyes away from the computer or book long enough to say "poor you". I am turning into my mother-in-law.

Perhaps I need a support break. A time where there are no worries and no concerns and I can become re-supportive. Maybe now that I am done school and feel bored at my job my supportive time has run out and its time to relocate. Or maybe I am just turning into a stone cold bitch.

Confessions of the 20something...job(s)

OK... my jobs. Let say, I love them for the most part. My day time job allows me to pay the bills and still keep my mind working in the field in which I chose. My night time job allows me to do what I love to do and do it when I want. I get to have fun with the girls, i get to bake and cook and counsel them. I get to hang out with cats and dog and do my homework. I love it.
But soon, that second part of my life, the part that has been around for almost 7 years is going to come to an end. The house will be sold, the kids will move on and I will be back to ONE job... ONE. the number that I so dispise. ONE.

I am also going to graduate this year. Yup, graduate with a MA. it will be ONE less thing for me to do. So every day, my life will be the same, get up, goto work, and come home...... yuck.
Now i know that for some people, this is great. not having any kids, any thing to do. I am pretty much put my feet up and watch TV, cook dinner and enjoy my evening sipping red wine... Yeah ok. Not going to happen. I hate being home and bored all the time. I hate not having any thing to do. So here I am, on my mission to fill inthe blanks when my job ends and the kids move on.

So I bought a camera. Yup, a fancy camera with all the bells and whistles. I DO know how to use it. Yes I do. I remember from high school and know what fStop and Apature mean. I am no camera dummy. But how is a CAMERA going to keep me busy? I have no clue yet since all I have done it take about 85 thousand pictures of my cats. (AKA the fur babies).

So here I am. dreaming of another perfect job. One that I can do a few times a month, one that I will have fun with, that I can still enjoy and that wont pay the bills but will help fill the void of having only one job. (there is that number again). Any suggestions?

I have a friend...

Yup, its that kind of post.

I know that we have all used the saying "I have a friend", "my friend did/said/can/will" the problem with this is that my friend wont.

Have you ever had the type of friend that follows you throughout life? You were in all the same grades, all the same photos, could remember each others childhoods like yesterday and know that no matter what or where you would love each other till the end of time? Well I do/did have a friend like this.

There is something you need to understand before i continue this post. I have no natural sisters or brothers. I am a lone child with siblings that have been adopted by love into the family. This can be lonley at times, therefore I have always reached for that friend as my sister. The one I thought I would share everything with, even into our adult lives.

Of course life does not work out the way we want it to and relationships as well as people change. Eventualy we drifted apart not talking as often, not seeing each other for our late night drives around the city like we did in our teen years. I feel bad that things have broken down between us and that now we only see each other a few times a year. However, I am also sick of being the only one to make the plans.

So i ask, have you ever had a friend like this? You know the one, when you make all the phone calls, all the contacts, all the plans, all the time??

I do and slowly, very slowly I am becomming sick of it. I am sick of making plans only to be exctied and happy I am seeing my friend, then to be ditched the last minute. I am tired of finding out things last or not at all because no one thought to share the good news with me. I am starting to feel that this is no longer a friendship but a long string of disapointment and lost hope.

So when do you say, enough is enough? When do you throw in the towel to the whole relationship and just say "fuck it" we have grown to far apart? I think today is the day.